I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
