I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
