Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's blow job season.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize