He kissed a someone with a penis
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
