How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
