When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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