The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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