That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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