a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
4 words: hood of his car
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
