Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
