Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
