I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You're a disaster
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