Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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