No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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