So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
