hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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