dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Enjoy the penises
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
