he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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