you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
