Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
