There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
