hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Come share oat with me in your robe
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
