i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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