I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
