don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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