people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
