I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize