I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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