I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
