I'm eating all of the evidence.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
A bitchslap is in order.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
