He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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