You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
