nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
