im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
