Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
