She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
