Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
ok first of all what the fuck
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
