I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
