i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
