my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
