I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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