i always forget guys have bellybuttons
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
