hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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