Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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