so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
