he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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