My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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