i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
