woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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