Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
ok first of all what the fuck
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
