worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
