Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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