I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
