My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
