I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
