When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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